1.
Above all, make no waves
and make no enemies
unless you share the same ones
as everyone else.
2.
Go to church, even if
you don't believe in it.
Otherwise people will
remember this and will
assume everything else.
3.
Don't drink too early
or stay out too late.
And if you drink at home
buy your booze one town over
where no one knows
what you look like.
4.
If you live in a trailer
people will assume
you're lazy, on drugs,
or a whore.
5.
There are two kinds
of dirty: work dirty
and lazy dirty. Know
which one you are
and act accordingly.
6.
If you vote,
only tell everyone
who you vote for
if you vote with the
majority. Otherwise,
you'll be taken for a fool.
Or worse, a Democrat.
7.
Be sure to look the part
people have decided you
play, regardless of
how bad the casting may be.
8.
Learn how to talk about NASCAR
and how to grow a garden.
9.
Avoid sarcasm, since
no one will know
that's what it is anyway.
10.
What people say about you
after you're dead
is far more important
than the fact
that you were a bastard
while you were alive.
You know you're redeemed
when they put your name
on a cement bench
in front of the courthouse.